Valentine’s Day is upon us and I am definitely one of those people that love the pomp and circumstance of the romantic gestures including the flowers, the candy, the cards and the jewelry but I am also a big believer in celebrating and loving oneself on this day. Use the day to love on yourself, your relatives, your children and your friends. But we really should all be doing that every day.
I digress.
A few years ago, a good friend of mine and I came up with some dating rules. My friend is a man so we came at it from both perspectives with some pretty solid results. These rules came about over several years, several dinners, several faux “meetings” at work, several glasses of wine and a lot of laughter. So take these rules with a grain of salt my friends. Add to them and maybe take heed to a few. Here we go ….
Don’t Overshoot: Stop going for people that are out of your league. Come on … you know when someone is out of your league. If you pursue this – it will end in tears. Why not go for someone that will value you and be happy to have you around? Not the person that contacts you when it is convenient for them. Are they way better looking than you? Have a way better job/life? Leave it alone.
Don’t Settle: In other words, don’t just go for something easy. If you do, you will be disappointed and unsatisfied. Don’t do that thing where you are “just happy to have someone.” It’s not fun. You will be bored and you will be lonely – even when the person is around. I did this once and it really wasn’t fair to the other person. You won’t be excited about anything, but you’ll have a Plus One for all of the events. And you will likely miss out on the opportunity to meet someone great at those same events because you settled. IJS.
Ask For What You Want: I love this one. At a certain age, you no longer have to beat around the bush about what you want. At this point, it’s likely no longer about financial security it’s more about companionship. That said, you are older and wiser so you don’t have to wince words about what you want from a partner. And if you see something or hear something you don’t like – keep it moving. No need to waste precious time on someone who can’t/won’t give you what you want.
Be Open to Something Different: Do you have a type? And do you always look for and stick to that type? Hmmmmm … well maybe your type shouldn’t be your type. I’m just saying that there are so many different people in this world. There may be a man that is short instead of tall, less muscular or have an accent or be a different race. You never know. You might learn something. You might be exposed to something interesting. You might make a great new friend or meet people through that person you may not have met otherwise. I know people who have met the loves of their lives by stepping out of their comfort zones. It won’t work for everyone but why not?
Some Things Don’t Last Forever: Ok so, some relationships are not meant to last for forever. I think movies and other media make women feel that every single, freaking man should be their “forever.” That’s so unhealthy because not every person is worth your forever. Some of these people are good for a month, or a year or two but definitely not for forever because we grow, we change and we evolve. Our needs grow, change and evolve as well. Stop trying to make something last forever, when it shouldn’t. And just because something doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean it’s a failure. It just means that it served its purpose, and hopefully it was fun while it lasted, but ultimately it wasn’t for forever – and that’s perfectly OK.
Rate the Conversation: OMG – have you ever met someone who you thought was everything but once you sat down to have a real conversation they fell flat? Well, at some point, after all of the passion and hotness sorta subside ( a little), you are going to have to spend time talking to this person. If a person can’t hold a stimulating, intelligent conversation – it’s a no for me. Also, if you have a choice of movies and the person picks any movie from the Fast and Furious franchise – I can’t. Be more than good looking and a money maker. Sometimes a person can win you over with their amazing conversational skills. I met a guy once and he was gorgeous beyond words, BUT, all he ever talked about was himself. He bored me to tears. It was like torture. I can’t tell you how many times I fell asleep talking to him. Hard pass.
Make Sure They Light Up For You: If you are dating someone and they do not light up when they see you – go. I say this because I have seen people come home from work and walk past their partner without a word. Particularly when you start dating someone, they simply should be happy to see you. It’s not that hard. If not, it will only get worse, not better. Also, do you get excited or light up when you see them? If not, it’s likely time to rethink this.
Don’t Date Someone Because of their Potential: OMG, many have fallen because of this one. Do not fall in love based on “one day.” If he has not reached that point that is comfortable to you when you meet, don’t base your hopes and dreams on what he is “going to do.” You will only resent him when he doesn’t reach the goals he told you about when you met. Time will go by and you will feel like you need to stick around because you have already put in so much time and you don’t want the next woman to reap all of the benefits of your hard work, right?!? Wrong – you are just wasting time.
Always Pay Attention to His Friends …and his Relationship with His Family: If a person is not kind to his mother, family members, friends etc. It will be the best indication of how he will treat you. Also, what are his friends like? If they are unkind, cheap, players, broke, rude, etc., pay attention. You are who you keep company with. You may be getting the representative instead of the real person.
Make Sure the Person Adds Something to Your Life: Ask yourself, “What does this person bring to my life?” Besides sex, what else is going on? Try not to get dickmatized (lol) because that causes bad decision making (it happens to the best of us). What does he do for you? Are you learning anything new? Being exposed to new things, places and/or people? I dated someone once and I felt like I was the one doing all of the teaching and exposing. It really should be reciprocal. Sometimes people provide services for you around the house or help you in ways that you find valuable, but if your relationship means that you just have one more mouth to feed, it’s not worth it.
Relax with the Resume – Men Don’t Care Where You Work: Ladies … read carefully. Men don’t care what you do for a living or how many degrees you have (unless they are trying to steal your money). Women often talk about their credentials like that should make them more dateable. It’s not true. Men aren’t asking for your resume. It may make a quality man proud but it likely won’t make you necessarily more dateable in their eyes (how many men do you know that date women with less than stellar resumes? Several, right?).
The Power of the Least Interested: Whoever is the least interested always has the power. Never forget this dynamic ladies. Even if your heart is bursting, do less. You don’t have to track him down or ask him a million questions. Make sure your life is full and busy. Don’t make him your life, he should complement your life. A person who is really about you, will make time for you and you will make time for that person when/if you are available. Men seem to always have full lives but women wait around to be chosen. Keep enjoying your life so that when/if he is no longer around, it won’t be as devastating. You may miss him, but you will still have a full, interesting, fulfilling life.
Online Dating: Personally we don’t recommend it, but shoot your shot, you never know.
Can’t Hurry Love: Take your time. You are amazing and lovable. There is no timetable on love. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Your love story is your own and the timing is your own. Your love life is a complement to the beautiful life you already have.
Lastly, make a concerted effort to go where there are available men. Stop hanging out with your girlfriends all of the time. IJS. Here are some good places to be cute (stop going to the grocery store looking like a monster) and maybe meet someone:
- The Airport
- The Grocery Store
- On Volunteer Projects
- Outside – Running/Walking/Riding Your Bike
- Ask a Friend
- At Sports Bars (of course)
- Dine Alone
- The Gym
- On Vacation
- On the Commute … for those that take trains, ferries, buses and light rails to work
- While Shopping
- At Other People’s Big Events … weddings, baby showers, housewarmings, parties, etc.